4 Principles for Thriving in Open Relationships
When it comes to non-monogamy, is your head swimming with questions?
Are you interested in the idea of opening up your relationship, but are overwhelmed by the amount of work it may take? Are you and your partner struggling to find a common ground when deciding what non-monogamy might look like for you?
In the two-part episodes on Consensual Non-Monogamy 101, we introduce four foundational concepts to support the journey towards a healthy, thriving non-monogamous relationship. These four steps can help you start the process of opening up an existing relationship or beginning an open relationship with a new partner.
relationships come in all shapes and sizes.
The excitement or fear that we have about consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is likely rooted in a particular expression of CNM we have in our minds. When we say “I want that” or “I can’t do that” it is worth exploring what the “that” in your mind is referring to. There are as many relationship constructs as there are people in the world, the key is figuring out which relationship design you can thrive in. In our recent blog post on The Six Steps to Designing Your Open Relationship, we simplify the possibilities by sharing the five main constructs that relationships often fall within: Monogamy, Non-Monogamy, Monogamish, Open Relationships, and Polyamory. Within these options there are a myriad of ways these relationship styles can manifest between two or more people, so the first step is recognizing that you are limited only by your imagination and consent.
Get clear on what you need to thrive in a relationship.
Once you understand that the possibilities are endless, the next step is to figure out what you need and desire from your relationship(s). We created a workbook to help you reflect on your relationship history; think through your emotional, sexual, intellectual, social, and domestic needs; and create a vision for what you would like in your current/ next relationship. Taking the time to get to know yourself and your vision for a thriving relationship is so important that we continue to write about it, speak about it on our podcast, and at live events. Time spent on personal reflection will lead to a stronger foundation in any relationship design you choose.
Understand that your partner is not your relationship.
A relationship is neither you nor your partner but the container in which you agree to interact and relate to one another. Think of your relationship like a home that you share with your partner(s). Neither you nor your partner is the home, instead, it is the domestic space that is in service of you and your partner that you share together. Your partner can be in the struggle and the structure of your home can be strong. Similarly, you may be happy but your home may be falling apart. Understanding that the relationship is the space that you and your partner(s) exist in together will help you get clear on what you need to do to ensure that the relationship thrives and is healthy. This will also help you think about what you need from the relationship, as opposed to what you need from your partner. Each of you has a responsibility to contribute to the relationship to ensure that it’s designed to nurture your thriving, and it is that contribution that you want to focus on. We explore our personal stories in non-monogamy in our recent two-part podcast, as well as dive deeper into this house analogy and illustrate how to separate the people from the relationship.
Create intentional time and language to communicate your needs and desires.
After you have explored the options, reflected on your needs, and clarified what you want out of your relationship, it is time to share your thoughts with your partner(s). From communicating your sexual desires to initiating the request to open up your relationship, sharing needs and desires can feel vulnerable and scary. In a recent blog post, we share some strategies for bringing up the “open” conversation with a partner. Some pro tips:
Nail down your communication, remembering that you are communicating to be understood and to understand your partner.
Practice emotional regulation both when you are sharing and listening by leaning into curiosity and really focusing on understanding your partner's needs and feelings.
If you are concerned that the conversation will be difficult, schedule the conversation and choose an “aftercare” activity so that you can change the space and the energy to take care of yourselves and each other.
Remember that you do not have to have this conversation in one sitting. The opening up process takes conversation, trust, and time, so take it slow and ensure that you create the space for you and your partner to go on this journey together.
Illustration by Olga Kkawa
Still have questions? Check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Instagram. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect with a curious community of friends.
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