Bringing Up Non-Monogamy With Your Partner
Illustration by @reesabobeesa
From celebrities to vocal educators openly sharing about their non-traditional relationships, conversations about non-monogamy are fast becoming commonplace. Although we see more and more examples of healthy, long-term, non-monogamous relationships in the mainstream, still, too often, people are avoiding bringing it up in anticipation of conflict.
There’s the right way to navigate these conversations, and there’s definitely a way that can lead to conflict. How you approach the subject for the first time can leave an impression that can affect all the other conversations to come.
Here are some tips for success:
1. Why you are interested in exploring non-monogamy matters
If you are considering opening up to solve issues in your relationship you are otherwise unwilling to address, you may want to consider holding off.
Opening up an existing relationship turns stadium-size spotlights onto the relationship illuminating unmet needs, unresolved conversations, and unaddressed insecurities. This can exacerbate existing struggles and tension you may be experiencing.
Although it’s often suggested, the best relationships to open up are happy and well-functioning ones. More important is to have a foundation of good communication and trust that during times of change and uncertainty may arise from exploring a new relationship structure.
2. If you resist, it persists.
If you’ve been thinking about non-monogamy for a while and you can’t bring yourself to mention it to your partner, chances are you have some fear about the outcome of the conversation.
Figure out the stories you're holding onto that get in the way of you broaching this subject with your partner. Do you believe they’ll be upset or hurt? Do you think they’ll leave you on the spot? Be honest with yourself. Once you identify these stories, be prepared to address them at the beginning of the conversation and set an intention, such as, "I want to talk to you about something, and I have a story in my head that you'll feel hurt. My intention is for us to discuss it with an open mind, and I want to hear everything you have to say about it as well as sharing my thoughts with you.”
If you resist having an important conversation, both the desire for it and the fear around it will persist and even get louder. Avoiding important conversations causes a disconnection, which will often be felt by the other person. It’s better to be in active communication than passive avoidance.
3. Don’t bring it home too soon.
Discussing the idea of non-monogamy conceptually is a gentler way to approach the subject than launching into a conversation about opening up your current relationship and what that would look like practically.
Jumping straight into discussing your existing relationship structure can feel destabilizing or threatening, causing your partner to shut down or become defensive. Share an article or blog post you’ve read or a talk that you’ve recently heard to kick off this discussion. Watch a movie together that has a non-monogamous couple, or find another way to introduce the idea conceptually without making it about your relationship. This will give you an opportunity to understand your partner’s feelings about open relationships and will eliminate potential tension around this topic.
4. Getting the timing right is vital.
Not only the actual time of day but the condition that you and your partner are in at that time. To H.A.L.T., before more tender topics of discussion is good communication hygiene. Hungry, angry, lonely, and tired are common physical and emotional conditions that are not conducive to a productive interaction.
Hungry: An empty stomach can result in a dysregulated emotional state. We have all heard people talk about being “hangry” or “hunxious.” On the flip side, eating can calm our nervous system. Although excessive comfort eating isn't a good habit, sharing a healthy snack 10 to 15 minutes before an important conversation can set up a calm, relaxed mood by triggering the rest and digest mode of the body.
Hunger isn’t always about food. We experience emotional hunger, also. Hunger for company. Hunger for comfort. Hunger for acknowledgment. Starting a conversation about dating other people with a hunger for attention, for example, is going to set up non-monogamy as a strategy to fulfill that need, rather than a potential exploration. If you have an unfulfilled need that's getting in the way of you showing up for a conversation with a clear mind and intention, addressing these needs will clear the path for a smoother conversation.
Angry: Fight, which can show up as anger, is a fear response that is a part of our complex survival system. Once triggered our neocortex where most of our reasoning lives shut down. Approaching any conversation without the ability to reason is going to get in the way of addressing what needs to be addressed.
Exclaiming “I want an open relationship” at the tail end of an argument is not a good way to start this conversation. If you're feeling angry, take steps towards regulating your nervous system. This can look like taking some time off, going for a walk, listening to some music, applying some self-care... You are more likely to have a constructive conversation if you can handle the source of your anger before you broach a potentially sensitive subject.
Lonely: We can feel lonely in a crowd, and we can feel lonely in a specific relationship. Loneliness is a physical or emotional isolation, which is not good for the human spirit as we are pack animals. If you are feeling isolated and lonely, you won’t be able to approach a subject from a neutral point. Instead of tackling a tough subject, either schedule some social time for meaningful connections with friends or family or engage in some quality time with your partner.
Tired: Tackling potentially tough subjects after a long day or late at night is not ideal. No issue was resolved, or dialogue was productive at 3 AM. Tiredness makes it hard to listen and focus, as well as to reason and remain connected. Figure out a time to have this conversation that’s good for everyone. Depending on your schedule, a better time to start this conversation might be on a weekend after breakfast as you sip away at your coffee or tea. Similarly, check in with yourself during the conversation and be prepared to press pause if you or your partner is getting too tired.
A topic like non-monogamy will never be resolved in one session, nor should it be. The ideal way is to have an evolving conversation about this subject starting conceptually and then, over time, focusing on what it might look like in your relationship.
5. Don’t “spread the good word”.
Often when people learn about non-monogamy and discover healthy models, they get excited if it appeals to them. With the best of intentions, they can easily sound like they are evangelizing or proselytizing. This can feel very isolating and invalidating to your partner, especially if they have concerns about it.
Highlighting only the parts and focusing on all the possibilities and opportunities in an effort to get your partner’s buy-in can have the opposite effect. The truth is, if you have no concerns about a massive relationship change like non-monogamy, it means you haven’t thought about it enough. Just like most ideas, non-monogamy has strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats.
Be honest with yourself and with your partner. Don’t sell the idea, but invite curiosity by putting forward a balanced, well-thought-out perspective that's open for discussion. Bring up the aspects that concern and scare you as well those that excite and intrigue you.
6. Always be kind and take it slow.
If you’ve been thinking, researching, and potentially talking about non-monogamy for a while, you may be way further along in the process than your partner by the time you are bringing it up.
Your partner probably won’t be where you are at when you first approach the subject. Offer support as they try to make sense of it. Make gentle invitations rather than demands for decisions and actions. Accept that it might take time for them to wrap their head around these new ideas.
Often people make the mistake of going from discussing this potential change into execution, which often looks like starting to date other people. If you are excited about non-monogamy, this can feel like the right step. If your partner is tentative about it, this can seem like a huge jump. Regardless of your excitement level, a good first step after discussion and research is to meet other people who are curious about or practicing non-monogamy for friendship and community before starting to date.
Although non-monogamy is gaining popularity in the zeitgeist, it can still be a touchy topic when discussed in the context of existing relationships. It not only challenges a lot of the norms that are at the core of our society today, but it can also challenge fundamental personal belief systems around love, belonging, and self-worth. There is a lot to be gained from having this conversation with your partner, so it is absolutely worth having if it is appealing to you. The key is to take your time and navigate it with a ton of kindness and compassion.
Illustration by @reesabobeesa
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