Finding the Right Therapist Doesn’t Have to Be a Nightmare!
“How do I find a good therapist?!” This is probably the number one most asked question of anyone who is working in the mental health field. From our friends, our families, and random people we meet at cocktail parties - the question always comes up. Everyone wants to know where to go and who to see. The truth is, there is no singular therapist that is right for everyone. I feel very confident in my work, and I know I’m not the right therapist for every person I meet. However, there is work you can do before you select a therapist that is going to increase the chances of you finding someone that is a match for your unique goals whether they are sexual, relational, mood, or a mix.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
What’s your problem? Some people will walk into therapy and pinpoint what they think is going on that is disrupting their life, whereas others aren’t so sure. It’s ok if you don’t know precisely what might be going on, but it is beneficial if you’re able to articulate what might be happening for you more than simply “I’m not happy.” If you’re unsure, grab a piece of paper and something to write with. Make a list of the things in your life that you think might be leading to your unhappiness. This list can be helpful in multiple ways, including just allowing yourself to recognize what might be taking up so much space in your head.
How would you like it to be different? More frequently than not, patients come into therapy and say what they would like is for someone else or a situation that is out of their control to change. Sadly, we simply can’t control how other people act or respond no matter how much we want to, or how much we think we know best for them. That can be a tough pill to swallow. There are only five ways to solve any problem, (1) change the situation (problem solve), (2) change how you view the situation (how you feel about it), (3) radical acceptance of the issue, (4) stay miserable, (5) make it worse. Which of these makes the most sense for your problem mentioned above? Let’s use a quick example and apply it to these five ways.
DIFFERENT ISSUES REQUIRE DIFFERENT STRATEGIES
Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, and your partner no longer wants to have sex with you. They haven’t told you this directly, but you’ve noticed they avoid intimacy and never initiate sex.
Going with the first potential solution (change the situation/problem solve), you may decide that you want to address this with your partner, have sex with someone else, or buy yourself new sex toys. When problem-solving, it’s crucial just to throw things out, ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ just to get the creative mind flowing.
Second, change how you feel about it. Perhaps instead of thinking of this as a rejection, you may decide to attempt to view it as an opportunity to grow closer together in other ways or find intimacy in actions that aren’t sex-related.
Third, commit to accepting that your partner no longer wants to have sex with you. Radical acceptance is often the most difficult of all potential solutions, but very helpful when your hands are tied (metaphorically), and there’s nothing else you can/want to do.
Fourth, do nothing and continue to question the relationship, yourself, your sexual being, and stay unhappy. People pick this a lot when they just want everyone/everything else to change and see everyone else as the problem.
Finally, make it worse. Maybe this means yelling at your partner, forcing them to have sex with you, or belittling them to make yourself feel better. Honestly, I think we can all probably think of a time where we have unintentionally (or many even intentionally) made things worse because of our own egos.
The reason question 2 is so important is because there are A LOT of different types of therapy, and they don’t all work the same way. Some are focused on bringing your unconscious self to the conscious, some are focused on only your thoughts impacting your emotions, and some are focused on interpersonal issues. When you attempt to find a therapist online, you’re going to see a lot of different types of therapy. Take a bit of time to read up on the different therapies and think about which might match your own personal goals. For individual therapy, you may want to search Psychodynamic Therapy, Interpersonal Therapy, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. If you’re in a relationship and looking for couples work, you’re going to want to explore Emotionally Focused Therapy, Imago Relationship Therapy, and Solutions Focused Therapy. These are just a few of the therapy options that are available and really just a jumping off point.
STILL CURIOUS?
In a recent episode of the Curious Fox Podcast, I spoke with Effy and Jacqueline about how I became a therapist specializing in Cognitive-Behavior Therapy and about these different types of therapy modalities. It can be really difficult and confusing to find the right match for therapy, and I want to help you increase your chances of finding someone that’s great for you. In the upcoming Curious Fox Presents, I will dive into these therapies more in-depth and help everyone who attends figure out what might be best for them. (Bring your questions, and of course, come curious.) We will also take a deep dive into the somewhat controversial trauma therapies that require re-exposure to some tough thoughts and emotions. There are a few therapies that can help people struggling with PTSD see a clinically significant reduction in their symptoms in just a few sessions! Honestly, it’s intense, it’s beautiful, and totally worth the work.
It’s a jungle out there; however, using these resources, you can find your way through it!
To find more about Thomas Whitfield and his work visit his website www.SexEdByThomas.com and on IG and Twitter @twhitfieldphd.
Illustration by: @ilaria_urbinati
Still have questions? Visit our website, come to one of our events, check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Patreon. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect a curious community of friends.
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